What's Wrong With Vanilla?
The Truth is...
There's absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying "vanilla" or "regular" sex. In fact, vanilla sex can be just as passionate and pleasurable as kinky sex because passionate sex is not the same as rough sex, and pleasurable sex is not the same as painful sex. This misconception comes from assuming what occurs in sexual fantasy (like porn, done for the audience) is how sex is supposed to happen for everyone in real life, which is not the case. Every person is different and therefore every person's sexual tastes will vary as well and are worth learning about.
The first step is to learn what you enjoy in sex without settling for sexual experiences that you don't enjoy. If you like some types of pain but not others, make sure to inform your partner of that. If you like rough sex sometimes and enjoy softer sex other times, communicate that with your partner. Kinky sex involves a lot of communication going forward to remain consensual, safe, and fun so it's a good habit to develop in your regular sex life to enjoy your kinky one.
Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (Rack)
I truly can’t emphasize it enough, but each kink has shared and distinctive risks to be aware of and prepare for when you are ready to engage in them either by yourself or with your partner(s). This section will get even more the depth of the RACs in Kink, and then I will finally start exploring actual kinks.
Risks - What are the risks of this kink?
Whether you think of them beforehand or not, just about every kink has some sort of risk involved. If you're feeling voyeuristic, the risk is getting caught. In bondage, it could be having the binds too tight for comfort, or maybe the rope is causing irritation to the skin. Or if it's impact play like spanking, a risk to be wary of is bruising or welts and how to treat them afterward. Whatever kink you're choosing to participate in, there will likely always be some associated risk so keep some of these tools nearby just in the event you may need them:
- General Use Scissors/Pocket Knife - to quickly cut any ropes or bindings you may have tied around your partner
- First Aid Kit - For any cuts or wounds your partner may incur. (Your kit should contain bandages, gauze, medical gloves, and Neosporin or another antiseptic at minimum)
- A bag of ice in your freezer or a cold compress for bruises
- For those seeking to fulfill more exhibitionistic or voyeuristic kinks be incredibly mindful of where you are to reduce the risk of indecent exposure to others like minors and non-consenting parties. There are adult venues and spaces dedicated to fulfilling these particular kinks and accommodating your needs
Awareness - Limits, boundaries, and staying mentally present.
Knowing what you know now of your limits, boundaries, and any confirmed ailments that you struggle with you can be more aware of any adverse reactions you may have during your kink session. Including but not limited to fainting, shortness of breath, having an emotional crisis, cramps, seizures, and more.
- Always be firm and mindful of sticking to your limits and boundaries during play.
- In the event that your Sub may be experiencing "subspace" and is not in a conscious space to proceed, try squeezing a part of their body (arm, hand, or leg will do) twice and wait for a response or request they use one of their verbal or non-verbal safewords to check in with you and make sure they are still mentally present in the session.
- If your session requires a maintained position, like bondage or spanking, and your Sub starts cramping stop your session and allow them plenty of time to stretch out the cramp. Choose a different position afterward if you plan to continue
- Sometimes sessions can be a physically and emotionally stressful experience so make sure you've had a decent meal beforehand and have some access to water during the session in case you need it.
Emergency Situations
- If your partner has a fainting spell that lasts for more than five minutes or has a seizure, and this is something they have not warned you about or prepared you for, call an ambulance.
- If your partner has a secondary seizure, seizures that last longer than a minute or two, call an ambulance.
- If your partner feels numbness or tingling in any limb hours after a session, especially after bondage or impact play, it may be necessary to visit an emergency center
Strike Here, Not There
What’s the Big Deal?
As I've said before you don't want to cause physical harm to your partner beyond what you agreed upon. This means aiming your strikes with precision to hit where it can be pleasurable and controlling the strength of the impact to prevent unintentional damage.
Whether you choose to use your hand, a flogger, a crop, or a whip it's good to know how heavy you want your strikes to be before hitting your partner so try testing them out on a pillow for practice. This is especially important when using tools with longer striking points like floggers, crops, and whips since the tip(s) travels the farthest you want to make sure it strikes where you intend it to and doesn't wrap around and hit elsewhere.
Those who are new to impact play should focus mainly on the upper back, lower butt, and upper thigh areas avoiding the spine and tailbone, ribs, and kidneys. When it comes to spanking and flagellation near the lower butt be mindful of your Sub's testicles if they have them. Make sure they are positioned in a way that they are protected from your strikes by the thighs or that your strikes do not hit them, sometimes wearing a G-string may help keep them out of the way while still allowing for full enjoyment of the session.
Other things to be mindful of is how certain positions may put more physical strain on your Sub throughout the play compared to others. Standing positions require your Sub to maintain their balance throughout the session while being on the hands and knees can be hard on the wrists and arms and stretches out the skin and muscles around the tail bone and sciatic nerve so strikes should be lighter and more focused in the thicker parts of the butt and above mid-thigh.
Standing Up/ Lying Down
While standing note that gravity will pull the fat slightly lower and your Sub will be focused on maintaining their balance throughout each strike if they are free-standing. To help them ease into the session, you can let them lean on a sturdy table or piece of furniture to relax the strain on their legs.
You can also have your Sub lying down instead and engage in your impact play session that way. Be mindful that the area is not incredibly uncomfortable for however long your session may be and be prepared to accommodate your Sub with extra cushions, like pillows, for comfort if necessary.
Bending Over
Two key things to worry about when having your Sub be on all fours:
- This stretches out the fat and muscles protecting the sciatic nerve
- This position can unintentionally harm you and/or your Sub mentally through the experience of some traumatic experiences
So what do you do? Firstly, if you're planning to use any heavy-impact play tools you should make your hits lighter to avoid damaging the nerve underneath and you should focus your hits under the tailbone and above mid-thigh. Next, be sure to check in with your Sub if you feel their reactions straining or feel uncomfortable or if you feel this way yourself. Check-ins and safewords are for the safety and wellness of both Dom's and Sub's.
This position can also be hard on the knees and wrists as it supports the Sub's body weight for an extended time but can be alleviated by having the sub bend over your knee, putting down a cushion for the Sub's knees, and/or having the Sub lean against a sturdy piece of furniture like a sofa cushion or bed.
ADVANCED: The Genitals, Extremities, and Front of the Body
As stated in the headline, everything here will be for people who want to explore daring and advanced areas for impact play. Before engaging in any sexual contact or advancing to other areas, make sure to have your Sub's consent.
- Genitals: Reminder that the genitals are even more sensitive than other areas of the body. You can stimulate your Sub's genitals with light flogs, gentle crop hits, or light spanks with a lightweight paddle or your hand.
- Extremities: The forearms, hands, back of the calves, and feet should all be treated with more cautious care than the previous areas of Sub's body. The feet and hands don't have much muscle protecting the nerves and veins here so any strikes should remain on the lighter side and be done with lighter-weight tools. While the forearms and calves are relatively small areas to strike that have more exposed bone and tendons in some spots that you need to avoid: behind the knee, the armpits and neck, inner elbows, the wrists, and the ankles, strikes should be cautious and while can be done here should still remain on the lighter side of things or at the least done with lightweight tools.
- Front of the Body: Some people enjoy getting slapped in the face! This should be done with hands only and preferably with a mouthguard to prevent your Sub from accidentally biting their tongue or cheek, or even losing a tooth for those who struggle with poor dental health or enjoy really hard slaps. The breasts, similar to the genitals, can be sensitive to stimulation so it may be best to start with lighter slaps and flogging. The stomach is incredibly soft and protects all of your Sub's major organs, nothing more than lightweight strikes should be done in the stomach area and you should be incredibly attentive to your Sub's reactions to them. However, the front and top of the thighs are very tough and thick just be mindful of how close you get to the inner thighs which are far more sensitive and reach into more of the genital region.
Injury Aftercare
Reminder: I am not a doctor, so while these are recommendations if you feel that you are in need of medical attention please visit a medical facility as soon as you reasonably can.
- Welts - Putting an icepack onto impacted areas shortly after a session can reduce or eliminate the possibility of welts. They can also fade within a few days even if you don’t do anything to aid them but submerging them in hot water can cause them to resurface after you think they are gone.
- Bruises - Put an icepack onto the area you expect may be bruised immediately afterward and keep it there until the area starts to go numb, for no more than 15 to 20 minutes. Repeat this every 2 to 4 hours, for a day or two if possible. If you are extensively bruised make sure to drink lots of water as your body works on healing itself, and try not to add bruises on top of unhealed bruises.
- Broken Skin - Never intentionally touch someone's broken skin without medical gloves unless you’re sure your own skin is unbroken and clean to avoid giving them an infection. If skin becomes broken, through accidentally hitting pimples or accidentally causing a cut, make sure to clean it twice a day with soap and water. If the area is in a location at high risk for infection, near the butt, consider using a topical antibiotic as well. Once the skin is no longer sticky to the touch, a healing moisturizer can decrease itchiness and promote healing. Give these areas a lot of time to heal before striking them again.
- Abraded Skin - Abrading skin causes long-term changes to the underlying tissues of the skin. These weak spots will break skin after very little stimulation.
Not all Dom’s may be comfortable or excited about seeing any marks or bruises left on their Sub’s so this is a good time to make a short remark about how they’ve enjoyed the session and time spent together. And while being cared for to bond over any other shared interests, watch a movie, or share a small meal as you both relax from the session.
Sensory Play
Touch
Touch is one of the most enticing forms of sensual sensory play since it can be the easiest to experiment with as partners or Dom & Sub. You can try light caresses, body kisses, a massage, tickling, and even different toys and tools to test different sensations on your partner.
Sight
Clothing such as lace, latex, and leather can be very visually appealing depending on your or your partner's tastes. But also the absence of sight can be just as stimulating as it requires the Sub to focus more on their other senses.
Smell
The sense of smell can be a great influence on sexual desire and stimulation whether it be through well-placed candles or wearing a soothing cologne you know they enjoy. You can also read into aromatherapy to look for different scent combinations to help achieve desired effects like relaxation, energy, peace, etc. Be mindful that if you are working with open flames, make sure they are not near flammable fabrics such as curtains, paper, or clothing, and do not leave open flames unattended.
Hearing
Similar to smell, sounds can also be very sexually stimulating to hear. Whether it's setting the mood with nice background music, dirty talking into the Sub's ear, or even just enjoying the soft pants and moans you each may let out as you're exploring each other's bodies. The sounds of knowing you're bringing your Sub pleasure and vice versa can be just as physically stimulating as it is mentally.
Taste
This is where aphrodisiacs come into play for those who like to play with their food and eat it too. Some of your most common ones will be a glass of wine, chocolate, or fruits like grapes or strawberries but you may come to find that your Sub or you may enjoy certain foods more than others when stimulating your sexual desire. You can eat them prior to engaging in sensual acts or include the items in the acts themselves like licking wine off your Sub's body or having them feed you the fruits. Just be mindful to try to keep the sugary juices away from the genitals so you can avoid possible UTI's and yeast infections.
Restraining Your Partner (Continued)
Tying Their Wrists
A first bondage session should never proceed beyond binding the wrists and not be bound to anything like a bed or chair. This allows the Sub to experience being bound and vulnerable with their Dom with all the pleasantries (and unexpected side effects) that can bring.
While applying the ropes to the thinnest part of the wrist may seem the most logical, more nimble Subs may be able to slip free. An alternative to this would be applying the bondage to the lower forearm instead to help it remain more secure.
Tying Their Ankles & Knees
The most basic way to tie the ankles is to place the feet side-by-side with some soft padding between the ankle bones to keep them from painfully digging into each other and wrapping the rope around the outside of the ankles. For some people, if you tie the ankles side-by-side and then cross the ankles, it will loosen the bondage. However, if you tie the ankles while they are already crossed and then uncross them, the bondage will get tighter.
When it comes to tying the knees you tie below the kneecaps, as bondage applied above the kneecaps tends to slip below until it is stopped bu the wider calf muscles. Tying the knees along with the ankles makes a bondage more secure but the knees can be tied without tying the ankles.
Tying Their Breasts
Most breast bondage involves encircling each breast where it joins the chest wall and larger breasts can be easier to bind than smaller chests as manipulating the breast tissue around the bonds can be easier.
Bound breasts may swell and turn pinkish-red after a few minutes and the breast veins and capillaries are fuller so they will be more likely to bruise if slapped, whipped, or clamped. These activities will also be more painful than they normally are on unbound breasts so be mindful of the strength of your impact.
Binding the Genitals
For the Sub, having the genitals bound can be intensely pleasurable from the physical sensations. Psychologically, having the most intimate and private parts of your body controlled by your Dom can be profound since you're in an incredibly vulnerable position.
Binding the vulva: Be mindful of your end goal. Do you want to expose the vagina and clitoris for penetration and play? Do you want to create a bondage chastity belt? Do you want toys to be secured inside? These questions may direct what style of bondage you decide to do and how you pursue it.
Binding the Penis & Scrotum: Do you still want the penis to be able to become erect, be able to have sex, be able to ejaculate?
Binding the penis can be similar to making your own custom "cock ring" but also like a cock ring it will slightly constrict the tube the sperm passes through during ejaculation and cause the subsequent orgasm to be very intense, possibly even painful for some. If binded too tightly it can possibly cause "retrograde ejaculation" where the semen will go back into the bladder instead of ejaculating.