The Queer Explorers

Despite what you may hear or think as you start to navigate the queer dating world, stereotypes and assumptions are something you will continue to encounter whether you want to or not. Now despite those assumptions, you can explore whatever feels comfortable for you! There is no right way or path to exploring your queerness so if it seems to fall in line with one stereotype, or seems different from everyone else’s expectations of you, know that as long as it is comforting for you, you’re doing it the right way. This being said, make sure you also hold this kindness and patience for others as well. Unfortunately, not all of us have the luxury of finding a kind and welcoming community as we continue to come into ourselves but we all deserve a space that both allows us to explore our identities in their fullness and allows us to grow and change as we learn more about ourselves. This may look like: 

• Exploring different presentation styles - androgynous, masc, femme, etc.
• Exploring sexual preferences - bottoming, topping, being versatile
• Even exploring your sexuality long after you thought you had it all figured out

Just like many people don't align with the stereotypes or assumptions made about them, their sexual identities and preferences will likely not be easily guessed either. Instead of assuming any prospective partners will be a perfect sexual match for you based on their looks or aesthetic similarities to previous partners, make sure to talk to them respectfully about their preferences and any boundaries they may have! It can save plenty of unnecessary time from a bad sexual match or it may introduce you to some new things you'd like to try. 

Sometimes, because of the pressures of societal expectations, we lock ourselves into a box that doesn't exactly fit who we are but instead what is deemed socially acceptable. 

For example, a bisexual woman only dates women and femme people because she only enjoys topping in sex. This doesn't make her any less bisexual but some partners may assume that she's taking on a "man's role" or is attempting to "emasculate" a man if she attempts to top him too. The reality is she enjoys that position in sex and would enjoy it with any partner but societal assumptions make it harder for her and/or masculine partners to feel comfortable exploring that with each other so instead they may choose to stick with partners they know will be more accepting of them and their preferences. 

Societal expectations can be cultural, religious, or any plethora of other things that can inhibit someone's sexual exploration, the most important thing to remember is that it is natural and healthy to want to explore and learn more about yourself and I hope you find kind, open, and honest partners who are comforting to explore with. 

Unconsciously, a lot of people tend to hold tension in their muscles from their jaw to their toes, and not only is it bad for you over time, it's bad during sex too. If you can, consciously clench up every muscle you can think of from head to toe, and slowly release them one by one.  This is something you can do on occasion to release some of that tension you build up throughout the day.

Next, breathe with your stomach not your chest. If you're someone who holds your stomach in throughout the day this is the time to let it relax and take some really good deep breaths.  Try your best to sit up straight, roll your shoulders back and relax them, relax your stomach, and take a few deep breaths. 

The easiest ways to learn how to kegel are to:

1. Go to the bathroom for a pee break and before you fully empty your bladder try to stop peeing.
2. Try holding in a fart.

Everyone regardless of gender should do them occasionally to help strengthen their pelvic floor. But also if you're going to be bottoming, occasionally or consistently, doing kegels can help you control how to tense or relax your muscles to reduce unnecessary pain during penetrative sex or masturbation.

 ** Breathing out helps relax your muscles overall, especially during penetration. Kegels help you control your pelvic muscles to tense and relax them as needed. **

Masturbation is natural, fun, and a good way to really learn how your body reacts to different stimuli,  no one should be ashamed of how they masturbate or learn about their body. However it is for personal enjoyment and sexual exploration so if you orgasm that's great, and if you don't that's okay too. The goal should be to enjoy yourself regardless of the outcome.

If you're wanting to just rub one out real quick, do as you please. Finding the perfect time and moment to have a successful session can be pretty difficult especially if you don't live alone and/or aren't single (needing to masturbate alone while in a relationship is normal, sometimes you want YOU time.)

Otherwise, here are some steps to set up a better masturbation session:

1. Plan how you're going to finish. It's hard to figure out where you're gonna finish when you're on the peak of orgasming so knock that out the way first and you won't have to worry. This might be some dirty laundry (socks/towels/etc.), or even planning to be in a location that will be easy to clean if things tend to get messy.
2. Get into your zone. Put your phone in do not disturb and do your best to clear your mind of any outside worries or issues unrelated to your session. Put on your comfy clothes, grab your headphones if you need them, and even set up some music if you need it. If you're someone with a disability and have an attendant who helps you out, let them know that you're planning for this particular time and will need some time to yourself. If needed, ask them to help you to bed so you can masturbate in a more comfortable position OR if you have a power chair see if yours has the capability to tilt your seat backward for a better position while seated. (Info from Bang by Vic Liu)
3. Toys should be CLEAN and SAFE for use. If you're going to be using toys make sure they're clean or covered (usually a condom is fine and will give the protection you need) to prevent giving yourself unnecessary infections. However, if you're going to be using your fingers; make sure to wash your hands and even under the fingernails really well especially if you plan to do some penetration anally or vaginally. Ideal hand soaps should be unscented, and body safe to minimize possible irritation!
4. Lube is your Friend. It helps the smooth parts go smoother and makes the hard parts much easier. While microtears are a common part of penetrative sex and masturbation, they are easily prevented by a good lube and a little bit of patience. Depending on how you plan to masturbate, it may dictate whether you want to use lube and what type you choose. No matter the choice, make sure you have it handy in case you change your mind.
5. Find your medium. Do you like to read erotic stories? Do you like erotic stories read to you? Maybe just regular porn is enough, or do you prefer ASMR porn (yes there is A LOT of content for this)? Maybe you can masturbate with just the visuals in your mind on your own? The last step is exploring what mediums turn you on AND what mediums don't do that much for you. Both provide you with valuable information to help your sexual experience when you need them, not just when you're desperate. 

Before getting started, make sure to wash your hands and toys (or grab a condom for them) to ensure you aren't introducing unnecessary bacteria to your genitals. If you absolutely have to pee before masturbating, make sure to not only wipe yourself very well with the tissue but an additional wipe down with an unscented wet wipe wouldn't hurt either. UTI's (Urinary Tract Infections) are not fun, so make sure to pee after you're done masturbating. (Much of what follows will be written with assistance from Drawn to Sex: The Basics.)

When is the last time you explored your body since coming out to yourself? What did you learn and what has changed if anything? If you've never tried, now is the best time to learn. Use your imagination to the best of your ability to help yourself relax. The goal of this exercise is to try to learn and explore your erogenous zones which can be any and/or all of these areas:  the back & nape of the neck, behind the knees, the breasts and nipples, the butt, the feet, genitalia, inner thighs, inner wrists, lower back, mouth/lips, perineum (space between your genitals and anus), pubic hairline, and the scalp.

As you explore you'll realize some of them won't be as sensitive to touch because it's you touching yourself but knowing which areas definitely feel good regardless of who is doing the touching can aid you when you're engaging in sex with a partner. 

Other questions to consider as you explore your body: Does this pressure feel good or should I be firmer or lighter? Do I prefer this angle, that angle, or both? Do I enjoy deep penetration or shallow (closer to the entrance) penetration? Is this position causing me pain? Sex should not be painful, temporary discomfort is normal, but pain (especially unplanned pain) is not. And most importantly, Remember to Breathe with your stomach throughout your entire masturbation (and sexual) experience.

Starting with your head, massage your scalp and maybe even run your fingers through your hair. Work your way down your face, graze your lips, suck lightly on your fingers if you feel inclined, even massage lightly behind your ears. Many of these sensations may not feel stimulating for you on their own; but with a partner may feel highly enticing. So, if you notice anything that offers even a slight tingle of stimulation try to take note of that.

Slowly work your way down to your chest and try fondling it. Lightly pinch your nipples with your thumb and pointer fingers or squeeze them in-between your fingers length-wise (like palm down and squeezing your nipple between your knuckles) and apply a slight pressure. Some sensations may feel better than others, or you may not feel any sensation at all. You can also attempt pulling on them and trying different sensations on each nipple. The chest is an interesting area that may or may not become more or less sensitive over time, so it's an area I recommend experimenting with every once in a while to see how your sensitivity adjusts, if at all.

Once you're satisfied with exploring your chest, slowly work your way down your abdomen, past your belly button, towards your pubic area and genitals. If you're unshaven, trimmed, or landscaped you can massage your pubis for some additional stimulation since it can be a tad more sensitive. You can definitely attempt this if you are fully shaven, but you might experience more stimulation if you have light fuzz of hair to stimulate the follicles. I do not recommend attempting immediately after a fresh shave.

I know it seems straightforward but honestly, you could still be missing out on other methods that might be pleasurable for you. Like if you have a foreskin, you can go under it with your finger and drag the skin up and down across the head. You can also run your fingers up and down from the top of your penis at a slightly bent angle for a different type of stimulation. Slapping your penis into your hand can provide some sharper stimulation, and cupping and tugging your balls can be pleasurable as well.

Of course, the reliable method of just stroking up and down is great too, but don't be afraid to try different pressures at different areas, a small twist in your movement, and different speeds. Sometimes you'll have a preference for some methods over others so just test new things out on occasion.

Be wary against your "iron fist" during masturbation. if you reach a point where you feel like you can only get off if you're squeezing super hard and stroking super fast you need to change up your masturbation methods. If you don't, it will make it more difficult for you to orgasm when you're having sex with your partner and it's very difficult to achieve that kind of stimulation as a long-term experience so for the sake of your muscles, continue to change it up every so often.

Another thing you can try is edging; once you get to a point where you're almost ready to orgasm, stop yourself and pull away. It sounds baffling but it definitely helps build up the intensity of an orgasm to be even more pleasurable. And if you have never tried it, invest in some lube (not lotion) to masturbate with. It will probably take a little longer than regular dry friction masturbation but it can make some methods even more pleasurable than they were before, especially when using toys like dick sleeves and fleshlights.  And lastly, if you're comfortable you can possibly stimulate your prostate without insertion, apply some firm pressure around your perineum and you should eventually find a spot that feels pretty good, once you find it apply even more pressure but with a pulse and that can help give a pretty good orgasm as well. 

Cup your vagina, apply a little bit of pressure and rock your hips against your hand to massage your outer lips. You can also lightly grip and pinch your outer lips around the location of your clitoris and stimulate it that way without touching it directly. Light slapping on your outer lips or tracing around your inner and outer lips with your fingers can also be very pleasurable. Some areas might be more pleasurable than others, like the inner lips near your vaginal entrance or the outer lips near your clitoris, so make sure you're exploring the entirety of your lips to see which areas bring you the most pleasure.

The major pleasure area is going to be the clitoris because that's where a lot of nerve endings are centralized both externally and internally (aka the G-Spot). Making a circular motion, try different pressures, speeds, and directions; also definitely experiment atop the clitoral hood and underneath it, one area may feel overstimulating and the other position may feel perfect, especially at particular angles. Sometimes you might like really quick flicking, other times you may like slower rubs with stronger pressure. Taking short breaks or alternating in-between different methods can extend your time of pleasure without overstimulating yourself. Another tip to try is light pressure around the entrance of your vagina while stimulating the clit, you don't have to insert your finger but just having pressure there can increase your pleasure as well.

When using toys like wands or clit suckers (like the infamous rose) be sure to test the vibrations around different areas of your vulva AND try out the different vibration settings throughout your session. If you find yourself only being able to orgasm at the strongest vibrations consistently, take a break and only use your hands for a while, it will take longer but the goal is extending pleasure and enjoying yourself, not forcing an orgasm in every session.

Most people can't orgasm with just penetration alone so don't feel bad or weird if you still need clitoral stimulation along with it, and remember those breathing exercises we opened with? This is where they come in handy.

Whether you've never had sex or had sex 2 days ago knowing how to breathe properly can make penetration much better and easier on the body. Grab your lube, and always starting with your fingers, start lubing them up. Once your fingers are lubed up get a little more lube to lube up your vaginal entrance. Too much lube is better than not enough lube, friction is your enemy and often causes microtears. (Tears at your vaginal entrance. if you experience a stinging sensation after sex at your vaginal entrance it will usually be due to microtears). But now that you're lubed up and ready: 

• people who have never had sex should start with one finger and 
• people who have had sex might be okay starting with 2 fingers, but may start out with one if it has been a while between toys or partners

Take a deep inhale with your stomach and on your exhale start pushing your finger(s) inside. Once inside allow your body to adjust to the penetration and do slow strokes in and out. Once you've adjusted to those finger(s) slowly introduce new fingers as you feel comfortable, and spread your fingers to continue to stretch your hole. If you're someone who prefers girth (width) over length this is not only a good way to prep yourself for your partner or toy but also a good way to test your limits on girth at least for now. You can also curl your fingers upward and attempt to stimulate your g-spot from this position. Many can't reach it with their own fingers alone so just try your best or grab your preferred toy and you'll more than likely be able to stimulate it that way. 

Also with your toy, test your preference of penetration. Do you like the feel of more shallow strokes compared to deep strokes, especially strokes close to your back wall (cervix)? Change speeds to see if you like faster and harder strokes vs slower and softer ones. And definitely try different positions to see which ones are the most pleasurable, like missionary compared to doggy style or having one leg up vs laying sideways. Different positions will change the angling of the toy inside as well as how deep that toy may reach. Reminder, sex should not be painful, so if any of these positions, depths, or angles cause pain in any way take note of that and be sure to inform your partner.

Three primary statements before we can begin: The anus is not self-lubricating. Slow and steady wins the race and patience is a virtue. Numbing gels are not your friend and do not warn you if you are being injured.

Anal penetration requires a lot of lube, and preferably something that will not be absorbed quickly like a thin, water-based lubricant. Once you've chosen your preferred product lube up a finger and make sure to spread some more lube very generously around the anus. It's always better to have more lube than not enough. Also, please do not use numbing cream on your anus, sure it may ease the pain and discomfort for a short time but it will also take longer to recognize any microtears or other pain/discomfort that should be addressed. 

Once your anus is sufficiently lubed up along with your finger, take a deep inhale with your stomach, and on your exhale start pushing your finger inside and give your body a moment to adjust. Do not introduce new fingers until you can fit that entire finger inside you, this allows time for both the exterior and interior sphincter of your anus to adjust to penetration. Slow thrusting in and out will help you accomplish this effort with added pleasure. The goal is to help your anus accommodate stretch without unnecessary pain. Once you're comfortable with your first finger, add more lube if needed, then introduce a second finger. Again give yourself a moment of adjustment, then you can resume thrusting to your pleasure. 

If you plan on introducing more fingers or even a toy (plug or otherwise) you're going to need to stretch yourself more efficiently. To do this, take your two fingers and stretch them out like a peace sign inside you in all directions as you are able. Continue thrusting as you do this and eventually, you'll be able to fit a 3rd finger, and after thrusting and stretching with three fingers you should eventually be able to fit your 4th finger or your toy. Also, consider how or whether you like girth (width) compared to shallow or deep strokes here. Be mindful of all the variations that may feel pleasurable or painful for you as you explore anal play.

Remember, slight discomfort until you truly adjust is normal, pain is not.

And if it hurts when trying to insert that toy inside you? That means you aren't stretched enough for it. I cannot stress enough how important stretching is for anal penetration, especially if you have a vagina. It may seem tedious but it will feel much better and be much safer if you're properly stretched and prepared for anal play.

• Stretch or massage some of your leg muscles to get the blood flowing (getting a Charlie horse mid-session is awful)
• If a particular position is causing your muscle(s) to cramp up, pause and switch to a new one
• Allow yourself to moan if you have the peace to do so (auditory stimulation can go a long way so don't hold yourself back), and 
• Remind yourself that the goal is to feel good, not to focus on your orgasm. You are less likely to have a bad masturbation session as long as you're feeling good about your experience

To say the bad news first, your first queer sex experience may not be life-changing as you hope. In fact, it has every opportunity to be just as awkward and uncomfortable or fun and exciting as a heterosexual experience. It's all about how you communicate your wants and needs to have a good sexual experience with your partner(s).

However, the good news is that there are plenty of ways to communicate the types of queer sex you want or need to experience to have a good time:

• Tribbing or frotting
• Oral sex
• Pegging
• Mutual masturbation
• Muffing
• Penetrative sex
• Non-sexual intimacy

Because the truth is, at its very core, queer sex is very similar to heterosexual sex. But instead of limiting you to the acceptable gendered sex positions you're allowed to explore as much as you want with who you want.

Also, despite what you may have heard in rumors, queer sex is just as susceptible to STDs/STIs as heterosexual sex is so using contraceptives like condoms, dental dams, and gloves are a good habit to get into for everyone's safety.  Similarly, getting tested regularly, keeping up with your hygiene, and using lube to prevent microtears help maintain your sexual health and grant some peace of mind before and after sexual experiences.

Sexual consent is an ongoing agreement in sexual activity and the most important parts of it are honesty AND communication. It's about respecting your and your partner's personal boundaries. If anything feels unclear it's also important to feel safe enough to ask for clarification about or refuse certain activities. Sex, and the continuing of sexual acts, after consent has been revoked is sexual assault and/or rape REGARDLESS of relationship status. No one is owed sex regardless of marriage or gender. 

To encompass the full extent of Consent, Planned Parenthood came up with the great acronym FRIES. Consent should be:

1. Freely Given - A choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol.  
2. Reversible - Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, anytime. Even if you’ve done it before, and even if you’re both naked in bed.  
3. Informed - You can only consent to something if you have the full story. if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, there isn’t full consent.  
4. Enthusiastic - You should only do things you want to do, not things that you feel you’re expected to do. (And vice versa for your partner)  
5. Specific - Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to make out) doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to others (like having sex). 

Sometimes you may still feel a little uncomfortable even after you have fully consented to an act and gone through with it. It doesn't necessarily mean that act is now sexual assault or rape (unless you specifically withdrew consent and your partner ignored that) BUT it does mean that you probably don't like that particular activity or you may not like it with that person and you don't have to do it again. This becomes your boundary, and you need to communicate that with your partner. No matter how long you've been together, or how well you think you know each other, communication will save you both unnecessary pain and heartache associated with unintentionally crossed boundaries.

If your partner continues to purposefully violate your boundaries after you've had this discussion, it may be time to evaluate why you are continuing a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your personhood.

If you have health insurance, ask your doctor to request some STD tests for you. There may be a small copay or it might be free depending on the insurance you have or the location you go to (if you’re sent to a separate testing facility). Otherwise, if you can't go to your doctor or don’t have access to one, check out any local family planning clinics or a Planned Parenthood nearby. They should be able to provide you with STD testing for a low fee (compared to for-profit testing labs) or free of charge, and many of them will also provide a pregnancy test upon request as well. Even if that particular location does not provide the testing themselves they should be able to refer you to a clinic they work with that does.

If any of your tests turn up positive, that’s ok too! These clinics should be able to provide you access to doctors and other medical professionals who are able to provide you access to treatments and/or mitigation plans to help you with outbreaks or cure your STD. Sometimes we can take all the steps in the world to be as safe as possible and things still happen (and for many people it was something completely beyond their control). A positive test result doesn’t make you a dirty or shameful person, however, you should take a day or two to contact all of your recent casual sex partners to inform them of your status so they can go get tested themselves. This is how we promote safe communities and safe sex with each other.

Lastly, it’s ok to ask about your prospective partner's STD/HIV status! The “I” in Fries stands for Informed, and it’s a good habit to want to be informed about your and your partner's sexual health. If you’re having sex consistently, especially with multiple people, getting tested about once every three months is a pretty good schedule to stay informed of your sexual health if this is affordable and accessible to you. Otherwise, getting tested at least once or twice a year while also practicing safe sex wherever and whenever you can is still better than not getting tested at all. And don’t be afraid to be honest with your partners, sometimes testing is not always affordable at that particular moment, and therefore your partner may request to wait until you can get your testing done and have your results ready before they are willing to have sex with you. Everyone is allowed to decide what risks they are willing to take with their body, so give them space to make that decision since STDs can be asymptomatic for months. 

Your bacteria may be safe for you, but we can't always say the same for your partners and vice versa. Even if you're going to be using protection, reducing the chance of unwanted bacteria getting in the way of pleasure is still important. 

Brush your teeth and tongue before going down on a partner, especially if you've eaten food recently, then rinse/swish your mouth out with non-alcoholic mouthwash or water. In a jiffy, just rinse your mouth out with the mouthwash. Non-alcoholic mouthwash is important because alcohol can dry out the skin and lingering mouthwash could possibly have some unsavory reactions on your partner’s sensitive genitalia (If you’ve ever experienced washing your body with mint-scented products, for some people that is how alcoholic mouthwash feels).

Wash your body and moisturize* if you want afterward. When washing your body, especially before a sexual encounter, make sure to use something that lightly exfoliates your skin like a cloth/loofa/etc., and wash: behind your ears, around your neck, under your armpits, under your breasts, in your belly button, in between your butt cheeks, the outer lips of your vulva (internally the vagina is self-cleaning. Do not insert soap ever or douche unless you absolutely feel you need to or are requested to by a doctor), the scrotum, the shaft, head, and gently under the foreskin of your penis if you have it, your legs (thigh and calf), and your feet even between the toes (some people like to suck toes, no judge zone). In a jiffy, keep some unscented or sensitive soap/wipes with you to use and wash behind the ears, under the breast, and your genitalia (including in between your butt cheeks, and gently under the foreskin of your penis) everywhere else is fair game unless you feel otherwise.  

*For moisturizing there are some great shower oils/after-shower moisturizers you can find if you search around a bit. Pure oils like olive oil, almond oil, and sunflower oil can be applied directly to the skin or mixed with essential oils like ylang-ylang, patchouli, sandalwood, etc., and be quickly absorbed into the skin usually without a disagreeable taste for those who like to explore their partner’s body with their lips and tongue. 

Try to eat a light meal the night before, eat normally the day of your activities, and try to have a good healthy poop early in the day!

If you’re using a store-bought enema you can pour out the contents it comes with (sometimes they’re filled with a laxative mixture) and put on a podcast, some music, or whatever will help you pass the time. Grab a towel, some lube (recommending a thick silicone lube), and head on over to the bathroom.

1. Fill your enema with some warm water. Lay your towel down on the floor and get yourself in a comfortable position on it.
2. Lube up your enema nozzle, and apply a small amount to your anus if necessary, then go ahead and insert your enema into your anus. (Remember to breathe out as you’re pushing the enema in to keep the muscles from tensing.
3. Slowly squeeze the warm water into your bowels, it’s gonna feel a bit odd but you’re doing great!
4. Once all the water is inside, pop out the enema, and clench your butthole tight like you’re holding in a fart for a few minutes. Once you feel like you absolutely need to poop, go sit on the toilet to release the water from your bowels. 
5. Repeat steps 1-4 until your poop water is coming out clear and you should be just about ready for anal sex.

Remember, poop can still happen even after a really good cleansing with a douche. This is anal sex and we live in reality. And you will still need to be properly stretched and prepared for anal sex even after going through the process of douching so do not skip that step either.

Communicating what you've learned about your body in some of your more adventurous masturbation sessions can make exploring your erogenous zones with your partner more enticing and enjoyable while also reducing any anxiety or tension either of you may experience. If you need a refresher or tips about what is arousing for you feel free to click the button below to revisit the Masturbation Tips section.

When it comes to foreplay (defined in The Dictionary) it’s important to not only pay attention to the areas and actions your partner has expressed would be pleasurable for them, but also to any sensitive areas you may discover in your intimate time together. You can even try different variations of licking, nibbling, massaging, and even sucking on different areas to elicit different reactions from your partner as some actions will be more pleasurable than others.

 You can start by exploring out toward the ears first since for many people they are a surprisingly sensitive area either behind the ear or around the ear lobe. If your partner has pierced ears, be mindful of their piercings especially if they are fresh because you don’t want to cause unnecessary irritation or give them an infection. You can leave light kisses behind the ear, take the earlobe or other parts of the ear gently between your lips and caress it, or even blow on or lick the ear as your partner desires. Sometimes it’s a surprise for everyone what stimulates arousal. And as you focus on one ear with your lips you can use your hands to caress the other ear or gently massage the back of your partner's head and neck.

Once you’re ready to progress, you can work your way down your partner’s neck and across their shoulders with chaste kisses and caresses. Near the armpits and upper arms is an area that can be responsive to touch if you’re careful not to tickle them. Afterward, you can work your way down to the inner wrists and palms, and while these tend to be less common areas of arousal they can be visually stimulating. You can massage, kiss, and lick the palms and some partners may even desire you to suck on their fingers. 

Once you feel you feel satisfied you can tease your partner a little longer by working your way back up the arm and towards the chest or being nice and moving right to their chest. Whether they have a large or small chest, everyone feels some stimulation around the chest so feel free to kiss, caress, and lick as you and your partner feel comfortable. However, when it comes to nipples it can be a different story. While many people tend to be aroused from nipple stimulation, some people may have had surgery, cosmetic nipple, or any other variable experience that may cause them to feel little to nothing from nipple stimulation if they have them. If your partner doesn’t experience nipple arousal feel free to move on. Otherwise, you can stimulate the nipples in many ways: soft pinching, massaging with your tongue or thumbs, sucking on them, gently grasping with your lips, lightly grazing them with your teeth, or even blowing on them. Some people’s nipples are so sensitive you can bring them to orgasm with their nipples alone, however, this also means it’s quite easy to hurt them as well so make sure you’re doing your best to bring pleasure and not unintended pain.

From there you can work your way down your partner’s abdomen toward their pubic bone building their anticipation for what's to come.

 To stimulate your partner's back you can start at the nape of their neck and work your way down the center following their spine in an up-and-down motion. You can gently massage and kiss from up near their shoulder blades down to their pelvis. Once there you can use your hands and mouth to simultaneously stimulate the butt through kissing and gripping or massaging.

From there you can move down to caressing and kissing the thighs which can be incredibly arousing because of their proximity to the genitals, especially the inner thighs. Be mindful of leaving forceful pressure (like nibbling or a strong grip) in the inner thigh area as bruises are more likely to show here. But kisses, licks, and strokes with the tongue or caresses with the fingers are usually welcome. Another uncommon spot not too far down for some is the backside of the knees which can be stimulated gently.

As you continue downward you can trail kisses down the calves toward the feet. Similarly to the hands you can massage, lick, and kiss the feet as there are plenty of nerve endings to stimulate. However, some partners may express that they don't want you to touch their feet at all or may enjoy it so much that they may even want you to suck on their toes as well. It truly depends on the person but as long as you both are enjoying each other and the experience feel free to get as adventurous as your hearts desire.

In Emily Nagoski's  Come As You Are, arousal nonconcordance is essentially defined as the gap between someone's subjective arousal in a situation versus their physical genital response. In less fancy words, it's when you experience an erection or physical wetness despite not being attracted to the situation or even being disgusted by it. Physical responses aren't a guarantee of desire, pleasure, or symptoms of something being wrong without communication to inform you otherwise.

When you or your partner struggle with arousal nonconcordance, especially during sex, it can be difficult to maintain the confidence that you're good at pleasing your partner. However, Dr. Nagoski gives some great tips that I'll mention below:

1. Pay attention to their breath. As we become more aroused, we tend to breath a little harder and faster and our heart rate picks up. Some people even hold their breath as well.
2. Muscle tension predominantly in the abdomen, butt, and thighs, but also the wrists, calves, and feet.
3. Most importantly, using words or signals. While looking at body signals for clues can be incredibly helpful for those who are more perceptive, the best way for partners to know how you're feeling and if they're doing well is if you tell them.

And if you are in need of more areas to test and see if they help reduce this nonconcordance check out this section for arousing the body I had posted previously.

In Emily Nagoski's  Come As You Are, arousal nonconcordance is essentially defined as the gap between someone's subjective arousal in a situation versus their physical genital response. In less fancy words, it's when you experience an erection or physical wetness despite not being attracted to the situation or even being disgusted by it. Physical responses aren't a guarantee of desire, pleasure, or symptoms of something being wrong without communication to inform you otherwise.

When you or your partner struggle with arousal nonconcordance, especially during sex, it can be difficult to maintain the confidence that you're good at pleasing your partner. However, Dr. Nagoski gives some great tips that I'll mention below:

1. Pay attention to their breath. As we become more aroused, we tend to breath a little harder and faster and our heart rate picks up. Some people even hold their breath as well.
2. Muscle tension predominantly in the abdomen, butt, and thighs, but also the wrists, calves, and feet.
3. Most importantly, using words or signals. While looking at body signals for clues can be incredibly helpful for those who are more perceptive, the best way for partners to know how you're feeling and if they're doing well is if you tell them.

And if you are in need of more areas to test and see if they help reduce this nonconcordance check out this section for arousing the body I had posted previously.