The Solo Explorers

Unconsciously, a lot of people tend to hold tension in their muscles from their jaw to their toes, and not only is it bad for you over time, it's bad during sex too. If you can, consciously clench up every muscle you can think of from head to toe, and slowly release them one by one.  This is something you can do on occasion to release some of that tension you build up throughout the day.

Next, breathe with your stomach not your chest. If you're someone who holds your stomach in throughout the day this is the time to let it relax and take some really good deep breaths.  Try your best to sit up straight, roll your shoulders back and relax them, relax your stomach, and take a few deep breaths.

The easiest ways to learn how to kegel are to: 

1. Go to the bathroom for a pee break and before you fully empty your bladder try to stop peeing. 
2. Try holding in a fart.

Everyone regardless of gender should do them occasionally to help strengthen their pelvic floor. But also if you're going to be bottoming, occasionally or consistently, doing kegels can help you control how to tense or relax your muscles to reduce unnecessary pain during penetrative sex or masturbation. 

** Breathing out helps relax your muscles overall, especially during penetration. Kegels help you control your pelvic muscles to tense and relax them as needed. **

 Masturbation is natural, fun, and a good way to really learn how your body reacts to different stimuli,  no one should be ashamed of how they masturbate or learn about their body. However it is for personal enjoyment and sexual exploration so if you orgasm that's great, and if you don't that's okay too. The goal should be to enjoy yourself regardless of the outcome.

If you're wanting to just rub one out real quick, do as you please. Finding the perfect time and moment to have a successful session can be pretty difficult especially if you don't live alone and/or aren't single (needing to masturbate alone while in a relationship is normal, sometimes you want YOU time.)

Otherwise, here are some steps to set up a better masturbation session:

1. Plan how you're going to finish. It's hard to figure out where you're gonna finish when you're on the peak of orgasming so knock that out the way first and you won't have to worry. This might be some dirty laundry (socks/towels/etc.), or even planning to be in a location that will be easy to clean if things tend to get messy.
2. Get into your zone. Put your phone in do not disturb and do your best to clear your mind of any outside worries or issues unrelated to your session. Put on your comfy clothes, grab your headphones if you need them, and even set up some music if you need it.  If you're someone with a disability and have an attendant who helps you out, let them know that you're planning for this particular time and will need some time to yourself. If needed, ask them to help you to bed so you can masturbate in a more comfortable position OR if you have a power chair see if yours has the capability to tilt your seat backward for a better position while seated. (Info from Bang by Vic Liu)
3. Toys should be CLEAN and SAFE for use. If you're going to be using toys make sure they're clean or covered (usually a condom is fine and will give the protection you need) to prevent giving yourself unnecessary infections. However, if you're going to be using your fingers; make sure to wash your hands and even under the fingernails really well especially if you plan to do some penetration anally or vaginally. Ideal hand soaps should be unscented, and body safe to minimize possible irritation!
4. Lube is your Friend. It helps the smooth parts go smoother and makes the hard parts much easier. While microtears are a common part of penetrative sex and masturbation, they are easily prevented by a good lube and a little bit of patience. Depending on how you plan to masturbate, it may dictate whether you want to use lube and what type you choose. No matter the choice, make sure you have it handy in case you change your mind.
5. Find your medium. Do you like to read erotic stories? Do you like erotic stories read to you? Maybe just regular porn is enough, or do you prefer ASMR porn (yes there is A LOT of content for this)? Maybe you can masturbate with just the visuals in your mind on your own? The last step is exploring what mediums turn you on AND what mediums don't do that much for you. Both provide you with valuable information to help your sexual experience when you need them, not just when you're desperate.

Before getting started, make sure to wash your hands and toys (or grab a condom for them) to ensure you aren't introducing unnecessary bacteria to your genitals. If you absolutely have to pee before masturbating, make sure to not only wipe yourself very well with the tissue but an additional wipe down with an unscented wet wipe wouldn't hurt either. UTI's (Urinary Tract Infections) are not fun, so make sure to pee after you're done masturbating. (Much of what follows will be written with assistance from Drawn to Sex: The Basics.)

When is the last time you explored your body? What did you learn and what has changed if anything? If you've never tried, now is the best time to learn. Use your imagination to the best of your ability to help yourself relax. The goal of this exercise is to try to learn and explore your erogenous zones which can be any and/or all of these areas:  the back & nape of the neck, behind the knees, the breasts and nipples, the butt, the feet, genitalia, inner thighs, inner wrists, lower back, mouth/lips, perineum (space between your genitals and anus), pubic hairline, and the scalp.

As you explore you'll realize some of them won't be as sensitive to touch because it's you touching yourself but knowing which areas definitely feel good regardless of who is doing the touching can aid when you're engaging in sex with a partner. 

Other questions to consider as you explore your body: Does this pressure feel good or should I be firmer or lighter? Do I prefer this angle, that angle, or both? Do I enjoy deep penetration or shallow (closer to the entrance) penetration? Is this position causing me pain? Sex should not be painful, temporary discomfort is normal, but pain (especially unplanned pain) is not. And most importantly, Remember to Breathe with your stomach throughout your entire masturbation (and sexual) experience.

Starting with your head, massage your scalp and maybe even run your fingers through your hair. Work your way down your face, graze your lips, suck lightly on your fingers if you feel inclined, even massage lightly behind your ears. Many of these sensations may not feel stimulating for you on their own; but with a partner may feel highly enticing. So, if you notice anything that offers even a slight tingle of stimulation try to take note of that.

Slowly work your way down to your chest and try fondling it. Lightly pinch your nipples with your thumb and pointer fingers or squeeze them in-between your fingers length-wise (like palm down and squeezing your nipple between your knuckles) and apply a slight pressure. Some sensations may feel better than others, or you may not feel any sensation at all. You can also attempt pulling on them and trying different sensations on each nipple. The chest is an interesting area that may or may not become more or less sensitive over time, so it's an area I recommend experimenting with every once in a while to see how your sensitivity adjusts, if at all.

Once you're satisfied with exploring your chest, slowly work your way down your abdomen, past your belly button, towards your pubic area and genitals. If you're unshaven, trimmed, or landscaped you can massage your pubis for some additional stimulation since it can be a tad more sensitive. You can definitely attempt this if you are fully shaven, but you might experience more stimulation if you have light fuzz of hair to stimulate the follicles. I do not recommend attempting immediately after a fresh shave.

I know it seems straightforward but honestly, you could still be missing out on other methods that might be pleasurable for you. Like if you have a foreskin, you can go under it with your finger and drag the skin up and down across the head. You can also run your fingers up and down from the top of your penis at a slightly bent angle for a different type of stimulation. Slapping your penis into your hand can provide some sharper stimulation, and cupping and tugging your balls can be pleasurable as well.

Of course, the reliable method of just stroking up and down is great too, but don't be afraid to try different pressures at different areas, a small twist in your movement, and different speeds. Sometimes you'll have a preference for some methods over others so just test new things out on occasion.

Be wary against your "iron fist" during masturbation. if you reach a point where you feel like you can only get off if you're squeezing super hard and stroking super fast you need to change up your masturbation methods. If you don't, it will make it more difficult for you to orgasm when you're having sex with your partner and it's very difficult to achieve that kind of stimulation as a long-term experience so for the sake of your muscles, continue to change it up every so often.

Another thing you can try is edging; once you get to a point where you're almost ready to orgasm, stop yourself and pull away. It sounds baffling but it definitely helps build up the intensity of an orgasm to be even more pleasurable. And if you have never tried it, invest in some lube (not lotion) to masturbate with. It will probably take a little longer than regular dry friction masturbation but it can make some methods even more pleasurable than they were before, especially when using toys like dick sleeves and fleshlights.  And lastly, if you're comfortable you can possibly stimulate your prostate without insertion, apply some firm pressure around your perineum and you should eventually find a spot that feels pretty good, once you find it apply even more pressure but with a pulse and that can help give a pretty good orgasm as well. 

Cup your vagina, apply a little bit of pressure and rock your hips against your hand to massage your outer lips. You can also lightly grip and pinch your outer lips around the location of your clitoris and stimulate it that way without touching it directly. Light slapping on your outer lips or tracing around your inner and outer lips with your fingers can also be very pleasurable. Some areas might be more pleasurable than others, like the inner lips near your vaginal entrance or the outer lips near your clitoris, so make sure you're exploring the entirety of your lips to see which areas bring you the most pleasure.

The major pleasure area is going to be the clitoris because that's where a lot of nerve endings are centralized both externally and internally (aka the G-Spot). Making a circular motion, try different pressures, speeds, and directions; also definitely experiment atop the clitoral hood and underneath it, one area may feel overstimulating and the other position may feel perfect, especially at particular angles. Sometimes you might like really quick flicking, other times you may like slower rubs with stronger pressure. Taking short breaks or alternating in-between different methods can extend your time of pleasure without overstimulating yourself. Another tip to try is light pressure around the entrance of your vagina while stimulating the clit, you don't have to insert your finger but just having pressure there can increase your pleasure as well.

When using toys like wands or clit suckers (like the infamous rose) be sure to test the vibrations around different areas of your vulva AND try out the different vibration settings throughout your session. If you find yourself only being able to orgasm at the strongest vibrations consistently, take a break and only use your hands for a while, it will take longer but the goal is extending pleasure and enjoying yourself, not forcing an orgasm in every session.

Most people can't orgasm with just penetration alone so don't feel bad or weird if you still need clitoral stimulation along with it, and remember those breathing exercises we opened with? This is where they come in handy.

Whether you've never had sex or had sex 2 days ago knowing how to breathe properly can make penetration much better and easier on the body. Grab your lube, and always starting with your fingers, start lubing them up. Once your fingers are lubed up get a little more lube to lube up your vaginal entrance. Too much lube is better than not enough lube, friction is your enemy and often causes microtears. (Tears at your vaginal entrance. if you experience a stinging sensation after sex at your vaginal entrance it will usually be due to microtears). But now that you're lubed up and ready: 

• people who have never had sex should start with one finger and 
• people who have had sex might be okay starting with two fingers, but may start out with one if it has been a while between toys or partners

Take a deep inhale with your stomach and on your exhale start pushing your finger(s) inside. Once inside allow your body to adjust to the penetration and do slow strokes in and out. Once you've adjusted to those finger(s) slowly introduce new fingers as you feel comfortable, and spread your fingers to continue to stretch your hole. If you're someone who prefers girth (width) over length this is not only a good way to prep yourself for your partner or toy but also a good way to test your limits on girth at least for now. You can also curl your fingers upward and attempt to stimulate your g-spot from this position. Many can't reach it with their own fingers alone so just try your best or grab your preferred toy and you'll more than likely be able to stimulate it that way. 

Also with your toy, test your preference of penetration. Do you like the feel of more shallow strokes compared to deep strokes, especially strokes close to your back wall (cervix)? Change speeds to see if you like faster and harder strokes vs slower and softer ones. And definitely try different positions to see which ones are the most pleasurable, like missionary compared to doggy style or having one leg up vs laying sideways. Different positions will change the angling of the toy inside as well as how deep that toy may reach. Reminder, sex should not be painful, so if any of these positions, depths, or angles cause pain in any way take note of that and be sure to inform your partner.

Three primary statements before we can begin: The anus is not self-lubricating. Slow and steady wins the race and patience is a virtue. Numbing gels are not your friend and do not warn you if you are being injured.

Anal penetration requires a lot of lube, and preferably something that will not be absorbed quickly like a thin, water-based lubricant. Once you've chosen your preferred product lube up a finger and make sure to spread some more lube very generously around the anus. It's always better to have more lube than not enough. Also, please do not use numbing cream on your anus, sure it may ease the pain and discomfort for a short time but it will also take longer to recognize any microtears or other pain/discomfort that should be addressed. 

Once your anus is sufficiently lubed up along with your finger, take a deep inhale with your stomach, and on your exhale start pushing your finger inside and give your body a moment to adjust. Do not introduce new fingers until you can fit that entire finger inside you, this allows time for both the exterior and interior sphincter of your anus to adjust to penetration. Slow thrusting in and out will help you accomplish this effort with added pleasure. The goal is to help your anus accommodate stretch without unnecessary pain. Once you're comfortable with your first finger, add more lube if needed, then introduce a second finger. Again give yourself a moment of adjustment, then you can resume thrusting to your pleasure. 

If you plan on introducing more fingers or even a toy (plug or otherwise) you're going to need to stretch yourself more efficiently. To do this, take your two fingers and stretch them out like a peace sign inside you in all directions as you are able. Continue thrusting as you do this and eventually, you'll be able to fit a 3rd finger, and after thrusting and stretching with three fingers you should eventually be able to fit your 4th finger or your toy. Also, consider how or whether you like girth (width) compared to shallow or deep strokes here. Be mindful of all the variations that may feel pleasurable or painful for you as you explore anal play.

Remember, slight discomfort until you truly adjust is normal, pain is not.

And if it hurts when trying to insert that toy inside you? That means you aren't stretched enough for it. I cannot stress enough how important stretching is for anal penetration, especially if you have a vagina. It may seem tedious but it will feel much better and be much safer if you're properly stretched and prepared for anal play.

• Stretch or massage some of your leg muscles to get the blood flowing (getting a Charlie horse mid-session is awful)
• If a particular position is causing your muscle(s) to cramp up, pause and switch to a new one
• Allow yourself to moan if you have the peace to do so (auditory stimulation can go a long way so don't hold yourself back), and 
• Remind yourself that the goal is to feel good, not to focus on your orgasm. You are less likely to have a bad masturbation session as long as you're feeling good about your experience

If you have your own space and own your own sex toys, perfect. Those are the best and safest things to use for different sensory experiences.  However, for those of us who don't have access to sex toys or are in unsafe homes continue to read on.

We've all thought about it, many of us have tried it at least once, and it more than likely was not worth the pain or we found the "right" item until we were old enough or safe enough to buy actual sex toys and could masturbate comfortably and peacefully. This section is going to discuss how to choose some of the safer items if you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If you live alone, all the items are yours so this is an easy question. If you live with roommates or family, do not use any items you cannot guarantee belongs to you or is a commonly shared item like remotes.

If someone other than you owns sex toys, unless they are offering to give you their sex toy, do not use their sex toys. You don't know how they treat them or whether they are cleaned properly.

If you can't fit a condom over this item, or you lack access to condoms or other forms of protection, can you feasibly clean this item between uses? 

This answer should be no if the item: 

• is an electronic that should not be exposed to water
• Is a food item that will be used for food later
• Can expose you to unnecessarily dangerous bacteria (like a shoe)

Do not put items that are thin, hollow, and breakable inside you. If you are questioning the structural integrity of the item the safe answer is No, always.

Many have found great pleasure in using a bathtub faucet or the detachable shower head if they have access to one. Detachable bidets are also popular options for many others as well. Aside from those some other options are:

• A round and blunt-ended personal hairbrush handle
• Your toothbrush handle not the bristle end (sorry Ginny & Georgia fans)
• Lotion, baby oil, or vaseline while wearing a cleaning/plastic glove