The Explorer

If you have health insurance, ask your doctor to request some STD tests for you. There may be a small copay or it might be free depending on the insurance you have or the location you go to (if you’re sent to a separate testing facility). Otherwise, if you can't go to your doctor or don’t have access to one, check out any local family planning clinics or a Planned Parenthood nearby. They should be able to provide you with STD testing for a low fee (compared to for-profit testing labs) or free of charge, and many of them will also provide a pregnancy test upon request as well. Even if that particular location does not provide the testing themselves they should be able to refer you to a clinic they work with that does.

If any of your tests turn up positive, that’s ok too! These clinics should be able to provide you access to doctors and other medical professionals who are able to provide you access to treatments and/or mitigation plans to help you with outbreaks or cure your STD. Sometimes we can take all the steps in the world to be as safe as possible and things still happen (and for many people it was something completely beyond their control). A positive test result doesn’t make you a dirty or shameful person, however, you should take a day or two to contact all of your recent casual sex partners to inform them of your status so they can go get tested themselves. This is how we promote safe communities and safe sex with each other.

Lastly, it’s ok to ask about your prospective partner's STD/HIV status! The “I” in Fries stands for Informed, and it’s a good habit to want to be informed about your and your partner's sexual health. If you’re having sex consistently, especially with multiple people, getting tested about once every three months is a pretty good schedule to stay informed of your sexual health if this is affordable and accessible to you. Otherwise, getting tested at least once or twice a year while also practicing safe sex wherever and whenever you can is still better than not getting tested at all. And don’t be afraid to be honest with your partners, sometimes testing is not always affordable at that particular moment, and therefore your partner may request to wait until you can get your testing done and have your results ready before they are willing to have sex with you. Everyone is allowed to decide what risks they are willing to take with their body, so give them space to make that decision since STDs can be asymptomatic for months. 

Your bacteria may be safe for you, but we can't always say the same for your partners and vice versa. Even if you're going to be using protection, reducing the chance of unwanted bacteria getting in the way of pleasure is still important. 

Brush your teeth and tongue before going down on a partner, especially if you've eaten food recently, then rinse/swish your mouth out with non-alcoholic mouthwash or water. In a jiffy, just rinse your mouth out with the mouthwash. Non-alcoholic mouthwash is important because alcohol can dry out the skin and lingering mouthwash could possibly have some unsavory reactions on your partner’s sensitive genitalia (If you’ve ever experienced washing your body with mint-scented products, for some people that is how alcoholic mouthwash feels).

Wash your body and moisturize* if you want afterward. When washing your body, especially before a sexual encounter, make sure to use something that lightly exfoliates your skin like a cloth/loofa/etc., and wash: behind your ears, around your neck, under your armpits, under your breasts, in your belly button, in between your butt cheeks, the outer lips of your vulva (internally the vagina is self-cleaning. Do not insert soap ever or douche unless you absolutely feel you need to or are requested to by a doctor), the scrotum, the shaft, head, and gently under the foreskin of your penis if you have it, your legs (thigh and calf), and your feet even between the toes (some people like to suck toes, no judge zone). In a jiffy, keep some unscented or sensitive soap/wipes with you to use and wash behind the ears, under the breast, and your genitalia (including in between your butt cheeks, and gently under the foreskin of your penis) everywhere else is fair game unless you feel otherwise.  

*For moisturizing there are some great shower oils/after-shower moisturizers you can find if you search around a bit. Pure oils like olive oil, almond oil, and sunflower oil can be applied directly to the skin or mixed with essential oils like ylang-ylang, patchouli, sandalwood, etc., and be quickly absorbed into the skin usually without a disagreeable taste for those who like to explore their partner’s body with their lips and tongue. 

Try to eat a light meal the night before, eat normally the day of your activities, and try to have a good healthy poop early in the day!

If you’re using a store-bought enema you can pour out the contents it comes with (sometimes they’re filled with a laxative mixture) and put on a podcast, some music, or whatever will help you pass the time. Grab a towel, some lube (recommending a thick silicone lube), and head on over to the bathroom.

1. Fill your enema with some warm water. Lay your towel down on the floor and get yourself in a comfortable position on it.
2. Lube up your enema nozzle, and apply a small amount to your anus if necessary, then go ahead and insert your enema into your anus. (Remember to breathe out as you’re pushing the enema in to keep the muscles from tensing.
3. Slowly squeeze the warm water into your bowels, it’s gonna feel a bit odd but you’re doing great!
4. Once all the water is inside, pop out the enema, and clench your butthole tight like you’re holding in a fart for a few minutes. Once you feel like you absolutely need to poop, go sit on the toilet to release the water from your bowels. 
5. Repeat steps 1-4 until your poop water is coming out clear and you should be just about ready for anal sex.

Remember, poop can still happen even after a really good cleansing with a douche. This is anal sex and we live in reality. And you will still need to be properly stretched and prepared for anal sex even after going through the process of douching so do not skip that step either.

Communicating what you've learned about your body in some of your more adventurous masturbation sessions can make exploring your erogenous zones with your partner more enticing and enjoyable while also reducing any anxiety or tension either of you may experience. If you need a refresher or tips about what is arousing for you feel free to click the button below to revisit the Masturbation Tips section.

And when it comes to foreplay (defined in The Dictionary) it’s important to not only pay attention to the areas and actions your partner has expressed would be pleasurable for them, but also to any sensitive areas you may discover in your intimate time together. You can even try different variations of licking, nibbling, massaging, and even sucking on different areas to elicit different reactions from your partner as some actions will be more pleasurable than others. 

You can start by exploring out toward the ears first since for many people they are a surprisingly sensitive area either behind the ear or around the ear lobe. If your partner has pierced ears, be mindful of their piercings especially if they are fresh because you don’t want to cause unnecessary irritation or give them an infection. You can leave light kisses behind the ear, take the earlobe or other parts of the ear gently between your lips and caress it, or even blow on or lick the ear as your partner desires. Sometimes it’s a surprise for everyone what stimulates arousal. And as you focus on one ear with your lips you can use your hands to caress the other ear or gently massage the back of your partner's head and neck.

Once you’re ready to progress, you can work your way down your partner’s neck and across their shoulders with chaste kisses and caresses. Near the armpits and upper arms is an area that can be responsive to touch if you’re careful not to tickle them. Afterward, you can work your way down to the inner wrists and palms, and while these tend to be less common areas of arousal they can be visually stimulating. You can massage, kiss, and lick the palms and some partners may even desire you to suck on their fingers. 

Once you feel you feel satisfied you can tease your partner a little longer by working your way back up the arm and towards the chest or being nice and moving right to their chest. Whether they have a large or small chest, everyone feels some stimulation around the chest so feel free to kiss, caress, and lick as you and your partner feel comfortable. However, when it comes to nipples it can be a different story. While many people tend to be aroused from nipple stimulation, some people may have had surgery, cosmetic nipple, or any other variable experience that may cause them to feel little to nothing from nipple stimulation if they have them. If your partner doesn’t experience nipple arousal feel free to move on. Otherwise, you can stimulate the nipples in many ways: soft pinching, massaging with your tongue or thumbs, sucking on them, gently grasping with your lips, lightly grazing them with your teeth, or even blowing on them. Some people’s nipples are so sensitive you can bring them to orgasm with their nipples alone, however, this also means it’s quite easy to hurt them as well so make sure you’re doing your best to bring pleasure and not unintended pain.

From there you can work your way down your partner’s abdomen toward their pubic bone building their anticipation for what's to come.

To stimulate your partner's back you can start at the nape of their neck and work your way down the center following their spine in an up-and-down motion. You can gently massage and kiss from up near their shoulder blades down to their pelvis. Once there you can use your hands and mouth to simultaneously stimulate the butt through kissing and gripping or massaging. 

From there you can move down to caressing and kissing the thighs which can be incredibly arousing because of their proximity to the genitals, especially the inner thighs. Be mindful of leaving forceful pressure (like nibbling or a strong grip) in the inner thigh area as bruises are more likely to show here. But kisses, licks, and strokes with the tongue or caresses with the fingers are usually welcome. Another uncommon spot not too far down for some is the backside of the knees which can be stimulated gently.

As you continue downward you can trail kisses down the calves toward the feet. Similarly to the hands you can massage, lick, and kiss the feet as there are plenty of nerve endings to stimulate. However, some partners may express that they don't want you to touch their feet at all or may enjoy it so much that they may even want you to suck on their toes as well. It truly depends on the person but as long as you both are enjoying each other and the experience feel free to get as adventurous as your hearts desire.

In Emily Nagoski's  Come As You Are, arousal nonconcordance is essentially defined as the gap between someone's subjective arousal in a situation versus their physical genital response. In less fancy words, it's when you experience an erection or physical wetness despite not being attracted to the situation or even being disgusted by it. Physical responses aren't a guarantee of desire, pleasure, or symptoms of something being wrong without communication to inform you otherwise.

When you or your partner struggle with arousal nonconcordance, especially during sex, it can be difficult to maintain the confidence that you're good at pleasing your partner. However, Dr. Nagoski gives some great tips that I'll mention below:

1. Pay attention to their breath. As we become more aroused, we tend to breath a little harder and faster and our heart rate picks up. Some people even hold their breath as well.
2. Muscle tension predominantly in the abdomen, butt, and thighs, but also the wrists, calves, and feet.
3. Most importantly, using words or signals. While looking at body signals for clues can be incredibly helpful for those who are more perceptive, the best way for partners to know how you're feeling and if they're doing well is if you tell them.

And if you are in need of more areas to test and see if they help reduce this nonconcordance check out this section for arousing the body I had posted previously.

To quote Getting It by Allison Moon,

"Sexual shame usually comes from a belief that you're abnormal for your desires, or if you were a better person you wouldn't want or do the things you do."

And it is something nearly everyone has experienced at one point or another in their sex lives. Moon goes on to discuss how it can be part of the overall dominating culture and that this shame is used to police the peers within that culture. However, there are two great points emphasized in this chapter I need to reiterate here as well.

• Guilt is a common, rational, and generally healthy response to crossing a boundary or causing harm.
• The way both ideas are paraphrased: "Guilt is, I did a bad thing; Shame is, I am a bad thing."

Unlearning the shame others have taught you and that you have internalized can be difficult but it's not impossible. Start with easy, seemingly reasonable tasks, and work your way up to your more difficult ones.

That's an answer that varies from person for reasons that could vary from small insecurities to deeply held trauma no matter how "simple" the task may seem.

Ideally, on a day you are the most comfortable with your body and are in the mood to explore your interests, explore some of those ideas that make you feel shame during or after your pleasure. Remember:

• It's normal and natural to find pleasure in pleasing your body.
• You deserve kindness and so do your partner(s). Try to expand your understanding of why you and they enjoy certain experiences
• If the task starts to cause you more stress from the shame you have experienced from it, take a break and try again another day with a different and possibly easier task!

You are working toward a shame-free experience of your sexual life, and that goal does not have to include added suffering in your exploration.