Better Sex Collective

Choosing Your Tempo

In the Queer, Solo Explorer, and The Explorer pages you each have learned different methods of approaching pleasure in ways that may have been new or not fully aware to you beforehand. But there's one thing that hasn't been discussed before this page and that is how to meet each other's pleasure needs together.

Kind of Sex?

What kind of sex are each of you seeking? Does someone want something more slow and passionate? Does someone else want a quick session? Should it feel more like you're making love or a casual hook-up?

"How many rounds can you go?"

Some people dread this question and others love it! Simply because some people are multi-orgasmic - can experience multiple orgasms, or take longer to orgasm in general which allows their sex sessions to last longer than what is considered average.

However, this is not true for everyone, and there are plenty of valid reasons as to why someone may need to have shorter sessions of sex whether it be due to their orgasm, pain, scheduling conflicts, or anything else.

Meeting in the Middle

This is where communication and check-ins during sex can be really helpful to make sure everyone's needs are being met. However, making sure you both understand what you may want or need from the sex can be far more beneficial since it reduces the likelihood that anyone will leave the session disgruntled.

Ask For, Don't Hint At, What You Want

Using What You've Learned in Action

Here's where you take everything you've learned in your exploring sessions with yourself and your partners and try them during sex when you have time! For those with consistent sexual partners, you've probably already begun to integrate or experiment with some new pleasure points you've found; for others, you may be meeting with new sexual partners for the first time who may know even less about their bodies let alone yours. I'll be writing this section with the help of Getting It by Allison Moon!

Being vocal and communicative about your needs during sex can help your partners gather the confidence to be more vocal about their's as well. However, if they seem more hesitant in asking or responding to questions about their pleasure try asking "either/or" and "yes/no" questions to relieve some of the pressure. These can look like:

Do you like this?
What could make this feel better?
Faster or slower?

Changing Minds and Doubts

Naturally, as humans, we may have thought we might enjoy something and turns out we didn't. That's perfectly normally! If you start to notice you or your partner aren't as into something as you thought you would be:

Check In with each other
If either of you are unsure how you truly feel about it, Dial It Back.
If any person feels uncomfortable, Request to Stop. You can stop that particular action or stop having sex altogether. No one should feel like they have to power through an awful sex experience.

And if you're someone who needs to brush up on how to explore your body or your partner's hit The Explorer's button below.

The Explorer

Learning to Connect with Each Other

Beyond Just the Physical Aspects

What helps you feel connected to your partner during sex? Is there certain positions you'll attempt on special occasions? Prolonged eye contact? There are no right or wrong answers to this question but is a good one to think about if you can't think of an answer.

Sex can become an increasingly unfulfilling activity as we age when done without thought or care for how we want to experience it. This is why it's important to recognize what helps you feel connected to each other and stay in the moment rather than allow your mind to drift away.

Relax into each other. - I know this seems easier said than done, especially with partners we may not know as well. However, your partner is just as nervous as you are often for similar reasons. So you both can take some deep breaths, relax your muscles, cuddle into each other, even kiss and grope to your heart's content. You both are allowed to take as long as you need to relax into the event to come.

Feel and see each other. Try not to hide. - When clothes start coming off we tend to become even more aware of our bodies in comparison to our partners and so often we may avert our gaze or close our eyes to "hide" from any judgemental views. This aversion also removes you from connecting with your partner who is just as exposed as you are. While you don't have to blatantly stare at them, taking in their beauty with glances here and there (if they're shy) or admiring them in general and not being afraid to make eye contact can help remind you both that you're choosing to be vulnerable together.

Positions don't set the tone, you and your partner do. - Believe it or not, there are plenty of positions beyond "doggy-style" "missionary" and "cowgirl/reverse cowgirl" however these are often deemed some of the most taboo or adventurous for many people because they were taught the proper or loving way to have sex is missionary style. Now there is nothing wrong with any of these positions, or enjoying them, however people may have their own personal grievances about them for how they have felt when having sex in them.

Some positions could be painful, feel cold or isolating, or just plain boring and overdone and these are all valid emotions. But it is important to remember that it's not necessarily the position that causes issues, but rather the lack of intimacy with the person. Positions can be modified and accommodated in various ways to meet the needs of the people involved, but if they're lacking the connection that would help it feel good and pleasurable, the position itself can't fix that.

Learning Your Intimate Buttons

Testing What Strengthens Your Intimate Bond

If you decide to pick up any sexual education book, almost every single one will mention that pleasurable sex involves your mind just as much as it involves your body. What does that mean? Think back to the previous section, do you enjoy eye contact? Being completely naked and pressed against each other? Maybe its the cuddles after the energy has calmed down or the heavy petting and grinding as things are heating up? I will briefly discuss some ways to explore here.

Some Spiritual/Sensual Sex Styles

Some spiritual and sensual sex styles you may come across to help build the bond of intimacy with your partner are Tantric Styles, Kama Sutra styles, and Slow Style Sex.

Often Tantric styles can involve various methods of touch or ways to engage and massage specific parts of your partner's body. The Kama Sutra, while known by many for its graphic exploration of sexual positions and nudity, depending on the version you have access to has great details on exploring the body and different positions between partners based on flexibility, fatigue, and many other variables.

Lastly, there is Slow Style sex which is sex as a week-long experience. During this experience, no one is allowed to masturbate or touch themselves intimately to get the edge off. You're building up your desire and intimate understanding of your partner.

Day 1 Is for visual observation only, no touching. Ideally, you both should be completely naked but it's ok to get as naked as you both feel comfortable doing.
Day 2: You both can start exploring each other's bodies with your hands and lips *avoiding the genitals, nipples, perineum, each other's lips - no kissing!*.
Day 3: You can continue to explore each other's bodies and you're allowed to kiss, but try your best to hold back so it doesn't get too heated.
Day 4: Now you can start to explore those more sensitive areas but still avoid the genitals.
Day 5: You can get really into the passion of the experience but no exploring the genitals and still no orgasms or masturbating.
Day 6: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is how I believe the quote goes but you and your partner will try your best to avoid each other. No touching, no kissing.
Day 7: Congratulations, the past 6 days weren't for naught! Hopefully, you've learned far more about what helps you to connect and are able to use what you've learned in your continued sexual experiences going forward.

...and for Everyone Else

Understandably, the options listed previously aren't for everyone due to time constraints or simply not befitting to their styles of sensuality. If that sounds like you, there are easier and simpler ways to explore your intimacy buttons, they just require some on-the-spot realizations.

For instance think of some these experiences and if anything seems to cause a stir, it may be worth exploring:

Having them cradle your face or guiding your face for kissing
Having sex under the covers to feel closer
Breathing in your partner's scent like fresh air or vice versa
Rubbing your genitals together without penetration
Nuzzling into each other's necks
and many more ways to explore! If you're unsure of some erogenous zones you could be missing out on feel free to read up on that section the button below.

Kissing & Arousing the Body

Pegging

What is it? How’s it different from regular strap-on sex or anal?

This section will be written using information from The Pegging Book by Cooper S. Beckett & Lyndzi Miller. Here they define pegging as follows:

"A sex act in which a woman penetrates a man, anally, with a strap-on dildo"

Now, what makes this different from regular strap-on sex; and why is it so specific? They also answer this question in great detail but to summarize their well thought answer into something short and direct - there are already specific connotations for strap-on sex (lesbian sex for example). And when it comes to anal people often imagine the standard man on top, woman on bottom whereas pegging reverses those roles.

Talking About Shame

Of course when it comes to sex that is seen as "Outside the Normal" you're likely going to struggle with some shame you may encounter either from your own internalized beliefs, social stigmas, or even from your partner.

Understand that pegging is just sex. Whether you try it and enjoy it, or don't, its just another way of expanding your sexual understanding of yourself and even your partner possibly.
When you're ready to have this conversation with your partner, be prepared for whatever response they may have. Sometimes they may be shocked, or they may not be interested, others unfortunately may carry that shame about the act as well.
If your partner is into trying it too, great! If not, understand that's their boundary and you shouldn't try to convince them otherwise.
Sometimes people aren't sexually compatible and if this topic happens to be the deal-breaker for your relationship, whatever it may be, understand that being able to communicate things you may or may not want should be an integral part of establishing healthy boundaries.

The Prostate & Orgasms

The prostate is a little bumpy gland located underneath the urethra, similar to where you can find the "G-Spot". And when it comes to orgasms involving the prostate, for those that enjoy the experience, they can be quite an amazing yet different feeling compared to a regular ejaculation.

Keep in mind, not everyone will experience orgasms especially early in their pegging journey. It naturally takes some time for your body to adjust to new and different methods of pleasure but as long as everyone is enjoying themself. Also, the prostate produces pre-cum so if you're on your knees during the pegging/extended prostate play, lay a towel down to help protect your sheets.

Prep & Peg

Personal prepping is very similar to the anal prep tips given in the Quick Notes page so I made sure to provide a button for it below. Slow and steady wins the race when it comes to anal penetration, especially when penetrating your partner. So be sure to use a lot of lube and instead of forcing your lubed finger into their anus, massage the anus with light pressure until it’s relaxed enough to start pulling your finger in. Don’t rush to force the rest of your finger in once you get your fingertip inside. Slowly thrust your finger in and out until your finger fully fits inside, this helps to ensure that both the outer and inner sphincters are being stretched to accommodate your finger. Communicate with your partner to make sure they're not in pain as while this may be uncomfortable, penetration shouldn’t be painful.

Once you’re both comfortable and ready to add another finger, add a little bit more lube, and restart the process again but this time with both fingers or continue with your original finger and use a finger from your other hand to help massage the anus open slowly repeating a similar process as before. When both fingers are fully inside of them comfortably, you can add more lube and stretch the anus for a 3rd finger if they're comfortable by spreading your fingers in a scissor motion in different directions, and repeat this step after all 3 fingers comfortably fit if you want to add a 4th.

If both parties are ready to continue, the peggee should lie on their back with their knees up similar to the missionary position. Insertion as the pegger should also be slow and steady with as many breaks as needed since dildos feel different from fingers. Once the peggee feels comfortable, the pegger can eventually start thrusting and together you both can decide on speed and depth. Please be aware that a lack of an erection is not an indicator of a lack of pleasure. Erections can be affected by several different factors, but in the case of pegging specifically more blood flow is heading toward the butt and prostate and less toward the penis.

Quick Notes: Anal Prep

Vulva to Vulva

Sex Shouldn't be a Mystery

Many conversations about sex always make sure to discuss different ways of pleasure between those with a penis and vulva but rarely ever between those who just have vulvas.

However, vulva to vulva (v2v) sex doesn't have to feel scary or intimidating! Just takes some learning, understanding, and trial and error like penis-in-vagina sex. First and foremost is understanding what you actually enjoy, which will matter regardless of whether you're doing mutual masturbation, penetrative sex, or just mutually stimulating each other. This will be asking each other, or yourself, do you enjoy:

Fingering
Toys - Preference of girth (thickness), length, and stimulation
Clitoral Stimulation - How you enjoy your clitoris stimulated can be a game changer!
Tribbing - While it may not be for everyone, some people find it highly pleasurable
And plenty more

If You're a Visual Learner...

There's nothing wrong with that either! You're definitely not alone. Even if people don't admit it publicly, for many valid and personal reasons, many people watch and learn from porn. Albeit what they learn can be questionable depending on whether they are truly seeking to use porn as an educational tool (because yes, porn can teach you technique and skills) but also on what pleasure they are seeking out of porn.

Check out some of these ethical porn creators here if you meet the age eligibility of your country! (18+ for US Residents)

Adults Only

Vulva to Vulva SEX

Communication in Action

Now that you've discussed what you both enjoy, try it together! You may understandably have nervous moments here and there, but that's why you talk to each other through the experience.

Consider Oral

Using your tongue and mouth to lick, flick, and even suck on the clitoris can feel amazing for the recipient. You can also use your tongue to penetrate the vagina and your fingers to massage the clitoris or vice versa.

If you or your partner feel uncomfortable doing this barriers feel free to grab a dental dam, or make one before hand!

Sex Safety

Enjoy Fingering/Penetration?

Grab your lube and once your fingers are lubed up, get a little more to lube up the vaginal entrance. Too much lube is better than not enough lube, and remember, friction is your enemy and often causes microtears. (Tears at the vaginal entrance. if you experience a stinging sensation after sex at your vaginal entrance it will usually be due to microtears). But now that you're lubed up and ready:

people who have never had sex should start with one finger and
people who have had sex might be okay starting with two fingers, but may start out with one if it has been a while between toys or partners

Take a deep inhale with your stomach and on your exhale start pushing the finger(s) inside. Once inside, allow your body to adjust to the penetration and do slow strokes in and out. Once they've adjusted to those finger(s) slowly introduce new fingers as they feel comfortable, and spread your fingers to continue to stretch them. If they're someone who prefers girth (width) over length this is a good way to prep them for a toy. You can also curl your fingers upward and stimulate their g-spot from this position.

Once they're ready for the toy you can communicate about how they enjoy their pleasure with it. Do they like the feel of more shallow strokes compared to deep strokes, especially strokes close to back wall (cervix)? Change speeds to see if they like faster and harder strokes vs slower and softer ones. And definitely try different positions to see which ones are the most pleasurable, like missionary compared to doggy style or having one leg up vs laying sideways. Different positions will change the angling of the toy inside as well as how deep that toy may reach. Reminder, sex should not be painful, so if any of these positions, depths, or angles cause pain in any way take note of that and be sure to inform your partner.

Patience is a Virtue

Every body is different, some people may come to an orgasm very quickly. Other's may need upward 30+ minutes to orgasm. Some people may even be able to experience multiple orgasms in one session, so don't feel pressure to focus on forcing the orgasm to happen for anyone.

Instead, focus you energy on fostering a safe environment focused on each other's pleasure and comfort.

three white people lying in bed nude but covered by a blanket and smiling

Threesomes are for fun

That's obvious... Right?

When it comes to the idea of having your first threesome, it can be incredibly exciting and fun to think about until we get into the "logistics" of it all:

How well can you perform
Will you be good at giving the others a good time
What if you go "soft" during the session
What if you get tense or dry up during the session
And many more questions we may ask ourselves or common issues we may encounter

All of these concerns are valid! However, we can breathe and work through them one by one. Unless these are partners you're already having sex with on a consistent basis, all of you will need to have a discussion of each other's wants and boundaries. You all should be prepared to enjoy things everyone agrees on and be ready to make accommodations for things some of you may dislike or can't handle. This increases the likelihood that the experience will be fun for everyone.

In the instance that someone may not be able to participate in their desired ways, it’s important to remember that sexual stimulation does not always have to involve penetration. In fact, there are many instances where it can be just as pleasurable without it. Most, if not all, of your fun will come from being comfortable enough to communicate your wants and needs to everyone involved.

If there’s more than 3 people?

A lot of these communication tips will still apply! Whether you’re in a foursome, girlpile, orgy, whatever the case may be - being able to communicate your needs to a range of people is a necessary skill to build to enjoy your time during these events and even outside of them.

Also, understanding how you want your needs to be met can help you be better prepared to meet the needs of others.

Penis And Penis

Fortunately, There's More Than Anal

However, anal is pretty great for those who enjoy it, and there are plenty of positions to enjoy anal sex such as missionary, doggy style, and the like.

You can also try frotting, mutual masturbation, and even the 69 position for those who enjoy both receiving and giving pleasure at the same time.

But please remember that pleasure is never limited to being in a certain position or because you’ve always done something a certain way. As your body ages and you continue to mature into a sexual adult you may notice that you become more stimulated by certain positions and actions and may even desire some other experiences less.

And in regards to aesthetics…

Yes, as you age, what you desire in pleasure will change. You may also notice that your desires and preferences will change as well. It’s okay to recognize you have preferences. Just understand that your preferences aren’t more important than your partner’s boundaries or discomfort, just like their preferences aren’t more important than yours.