Exploring Sex

In the Queer, Solo Explorer, and The Explorer pages you each have learned different methods of approaching pleasure in ways that may have been new or not fully aware to you beforehand. But there's one thing that hasn't been discussed before this page and that is how to meet each other's pleasure needs together.

What kind of sex are each of you seeking? Does someone want something more slow and passionate? Does someone else want a quick session? Should it feel more like you're making love or a casual hook-up?

Some people dread this question and others love it! Simply because some people are multi-orgasmic - can experience multiple orgasms, or take longer to orgasm in general which allows their sex sessions to last longer than what is considered average.

However, this is not true for everyone, and there are plenty of valid reasons as to why someone may need to have shorter sessions of sex whether it be due to their orgasm, pain, scheduling conflicts, or anything else.

This is where communication and check-ins during sex can be really helpful to make sure everyone's needs are being met. However, making sure you both understand what you may want or need from the sex can be far more beneficial since it reduces the likelihood that anyone will leave the session disgruntled.

If you decide to pick up any sexual education book, almost every single one will mention that pleasurable sex involves your mind just as much as it involves your body. What does that mean? Think back to the previous section, do you enjoy eye contact? Being completely naked and pressed against each other? Maybe its the cuddles after the energy has calmed down or the heavy petting and grinding as things are heating up? I will briefly discuss some ways to explore here.

Some spiritual and sensual sex styles you may come across to help build the bond of intimacy with your partner are Tantric Styles, Kama Sutra styles, and Slow Style Sex. 

Often Tantric styles can involve various methods of touch or ways to engage and massage specific parts of your partner's body. The Kama Sutra, while known by many for its graphic exploration of sexual positions and nudity, depending on the version you have access to has great details on exploring the body and different positions between partners based on flexibility, fatigue, and many other variables.

Lastly, there is Slow Style sex which is sex as a week-long experience. During this experience, no one is allowed to masturbate or touch themselves intimately to get the edge off. You're building up your desire and intimate understanding of your partner.

• Day 1 Is for visual observation only, no touching. Ideally, you both should be completely naked but it's ok to get as naked as you both feel comfortable doing. 
• Day 2: You both can start exploring each other's bodies with your hands and lips *avoiding the genitals, nipples, perineum, each other's lips - no kissing!*. 
• Day 3: You can continue to explore each other's bodies and you're allowed to kiss, but try your best to hold back so it doesn't get too heated. 
• Day 4: Now you can start to explore those more sensitive areas but still avoid the genitals. 
• Day 5: You can get really into the passion of the experience but no exploring the genitals and still no orgasms or masturbating. 
• Day 6: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is how I believe the quote goes but you and your partner will try your best to avoid each other. No touching, no kissing. 
• Day 7: Congratulations, the past 6 days weren't for naught! Hopefully, you've learned far more about what helps you to connect and are able to use what you've learned in your continued sexual experiences going forward. 

Understandably, the options listed previously aren't for everyone due to time constraints or simply not befitting to their styles of sensuality. If that sounds like you, there are easier and simpler ways to explore your intimacy buttons, they just require some on-the-spot realizations.

For instance think of some these experiences and if anything seems to cause a stir, it may be worth exploring:

• Having them cradle your face or guiding your face for kissing
• Having sex under the covers to feel closer
• Breathing in your partner's scent like fresh air or vice versa
• Rubbing your genitals together without penetration
• Nuzzling into each other's necks
• and many more ways to explore! If you're unsure of some erogenous zones you could be missing out on feel free to read up on that section the button below.

This section will be written using information from The Pegging Book by Cooper S. Beckett & Lyndzi Miller. Here they define pegging as follows:

   "A sex act in which a woman penetrates a man, anally, with a strap-on dildo"

Now, what makes this different from regular strap-on sex; and why is it so specific? They also answer this question in great detail but to summarize their well thought answer into something short and direct - there are already specific connotations for strap-on sex (lesbian sex for example). And when it comes to anal people often imagine the standard man on top, woman on bottom whereas pegging reverses those roles.

Of course when it comes to sex that is seen as "Outside the Normal" you're likely going to struggle with some shame you may encounter either from your own internalized beliefs, social stigmas, or even from your partner.

1. Understand that pegging is just sex. Whether you try it and enjoy it, or don't, its just another way of expanding your sexual understanding of yourself and even your partner possibly.
2. When you're ready to have this conversation with your partner, be prepared for whatever response they may have. Sometimes they may be shocked, or they may not be interested, others unfortunately may carry that shame about the act as well. 
3. If your partner is into trying it too, great! If not, understand that's their boundary and you shouldn't try to convince them otherwise. 
4. Sometimes people aren't sexually compatible and if this topic happens to be the deal-breaker for your relationship, whatever it may be, understand that being able to communicate things you may or may not want should be an integral part of establishing healthy boundaries. 

The prostate is a little bumpy gland located underneath the urethra, similar to where you can find the "G-Spot". And when it comes to orgasms involving the prostate, for those that enjoy the experience, they can be quite an amazing yet different feeling compared to a regular ejaculation. 

Keep in mind, not everyone will experience orgasms especially early in their pegging journey. It naturally takes some time for your body to adjust to new and different methods of pleasure but as long as everyone is enjoying themself. Also, the prostate produces pre-cum so if you're on your knees during the pegging/extended prostate play, lay a towel down to help protect your sheets.

Personal prepping is very similar to the anal prep tips given in the Quick Notes page so I made sure to provide a button for it below. Slow and steady wins the race when it comes to anal penetration, especially when penetrating your partner. So be sure to use a lot of lube and instead of forcing your lubed finger into their anus, massage the anus with light pressure until it’s relaxed enough to start pulling your finger in. Don’t rush to force the rest of your finger in once you get your fingertip inside. Slowly thrust your finger in and out until your finger fully fits inside, this helps to ensure that both the outer and inner sphincters are being stretched to accommodate your finger. Communicate with your partner to make sure they're not in pain as while this may be uncomfortable, penetration shouldn’t be painful.

Once you’re both comfortable and ready to add another finger, add a little bit more lube, and restart the process again but this time with both fingers or continue with your original finger and use a finger from your other hand to help massage the anus open slowly repeating a similar process as before. When both fingers are fully inside of them comfortably, you can add more lube and stretch the anus for a 3rd finger if they're comfortable by spreading your fingers in a scissor motion in different directions, and repeat this step after all 3 fingers comfortably fit if you want to add a 4th.

If both parties are ready to continue, the peggee should lie on their back with their knees up similar to the missionary position. Insertion as the pegger should also be slow and steady with as many breaks as needed since dildos feel different from fingers. Once the peggee feels comfortable, the pegger can eventually start thrusting and together you both can decide on speed and depth. Please be aware that a lack of an erection is not an indicator of a lack of pleasure. Erections can be affected by several different factors, but in the case of pegging specifically more blood flow is heading toward the butt and prostate and less toward the penis.

Now that you've discussed what you both enjoy, try it together! You may understandably have nervous moments here and there, but that's why you talk to each other through the experience.

Using your tongue and mouth to lick, flick, and even suck on the clitoris can feel amazing for the recipient. You can also use your tongue to penetrate the vagina and your fingers to massage the clitoris or vice versa.

If you or your partner feel uncomfortable doing this barriers feel free to grab a dental dam, or make one before hand!

Grab your lube and once your fingers are lubed up, get a little more to lube up the vaginal entrance. Too much lube is better than not enough lube, and remember, friction is your enemy and often causes microtears. (Tears at the vaginal entrance. if you experience a stinging sensation after sex at your vaginal entrance it will usually be due to microtears). But now that you're lubed up and ready: 

• people who have never had sex should start with one finger and 
• people who have had sex might be okay starting with two fingers,  but may start out with one if it has been a while between toys or  partners

Take a deep inhale with your stomach and on your exhale start pushing the finger(s) inside. Once inside, allow your body to adjust to the penetration and do slow strokes in and out. Once they've adjusted to those finger(s) slowly introduce new  fingers as they feel comfortable, and spread your fingers to continue to stretch them. If they're someone who prefers girth (width) over length this is a good way to prep them for a toy. You can also curl your fingers upward and stimulate their g-spot from this position.  

Once they're ready for the toy you can communicate about how they enjoy their pleasure with it. Do they like the feel of more shallow strokes compared to deep strokes, especially strokes close to back wall (cervix)? Change speeds to see if they  like faster and harder strokes vs slower and softer ones. And definitely try different positions to see which ones are the most pleasurable, like missionary compared to doggy style or having one leg up vs laying  sideways. Different positions will change the angling of the toy inside  as well as how deep that toy may reach. Reminder,  sex should not be painful, so if any of these positions, depths, or  angles cause pain in any way take note of that and be sure to inform  your partner.

Every body is different, some people may come to an orgasm very quickly. Other's may need upward 30+ minutes to orgasm. Some people may even be able to experience multiple orgasms in one session, so don't feel pressure to focus on forcing the orgasm to happen for anyone.

Instead, focus you energy on fostering a safe environment focused on each other's pleasure and comfort. 

The rectum is more of an S-shaped tube than a straight-ended tube which is why the position matters even more regarding anal sex. While there are some positions that make receiving anal penetration far more comfortable and pleasurable, naturally there are also positions that make anal sex uncomfortable and even painful.

After reading Anal Pleasure and Health by Jack Morin Ph.D, I've come to learn that even though everyone's rectums may vary in length and curve at a slightly different angle there are still ways to limit the amount of discomfort you will experience during anal.

Any position that maintains your legs being at a right angle to your upper body:

• sitting
• squatting
• lying on your back or side with your knees pulled toward your chest
• kneeling in a "doggy" position
• or otherwise

Are all positions that can aid in stretching and straightening your rectum. However, there is no position that fully eliminates the curve so be mindful that you and your partner always engage in anal sex with care.

Why? Because poop gets stored in the colon. And if you go deep enough during penetration, usually beyond 9 to 10 inches, you may encounter the lower colon where poop is stored. 

Naturally the lower colon tends to relax whenever the rectum relaxes so it also makes sense that the deeper during penetration you go the more likely you are to encounter small fragments of poop.